Kristen's Blog

This morning as I was spending my daily time with God I read these words, “I weep with grief, my heart is heavy with sorrow; encourage and cheer me with your words (Psalms 119:28).” These words filled my heart as I once remembered the time when I was so full of grief and sorrow. A time when I did not think my life would ever be “normal” nor would I ever feel like a whole person again. I’m speaking of the time when my father and my grandmother passed away. I didn’t think that I could ever continue and I surely didn’t believe that God loved me nor was He with me. After spending many restless nights, I finally realized that I was not alone in this big world. I would like to share a little piece of me with you in hopes that you too will discover that you are not alone in this great big world.

The night my father and grandmother passed away my faith in God diminished. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I slowly started pushing God further and further away from me.  I felt as if no one understood my pain. My husband would become angry with me if I cried or showed any kind of emotional pain at all. My mom and sister couldn’t see my pain for their own pain. So, I felt as if I had no one. No one to talk to, no one to share my pain with, no one to confide in. How was I to live and not die in my own pain and misery? I still had two small children I had to take care of and they depended on me to survive.

I would love to tell you that in an instant I decided that I would depend on God to get me through; however, I did not. I just woke up every day and dealt with the day as it came at me. Many, many nights I would cry myself to sleep. I would get up the next morning and face the day as it came at me. Some days I would drive to my dad’s resting place and just sit by his headstone and pray. I would scream out to God, why God, why? I never got an instant answer, but I felt some type of freedom in allowing my rage and anger to get on the outside of me instead of staying in the inside of me. I finally began to realize that there was hope. I knew that God existed and that there was some type of hope I had to hang onto. God reminded me of the verse, “Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you (Matthew 17:20).”

I knew I had a mustard seed of faith. That was all I had, but I had that mustard seed. I held onto my mustard seed of faith and believed that God would help me through my grief and sorrow. I believed with just a very, very tiny bit of faith that God was with me and that with Him, I could conquer this mountain of sorrow and escape to the other side. You may not be going through a loss of a loved one, but you may be feeling sorrow. You may be going through a divorce, you may be dealing with a financial crisis, an addiction, anything may be causing you grief or sorrow. I ask you today, do you have a mustard seed of faith in God and his word to help you through?

This entry was posted on Monday, November 2nd, 2009 at 11:51 am and is filed under Hope. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.